Just a Gwai Lo fun within prescribed limits [?]

Dave Pollard, writing in March about Against Love : A Polemic by Laura Kipnis: “Much of the latter part of the book is focused on the psychological gymnastics of all three (or more) parties in the polygon of adultery, from the rationalization that hiding the affair is to protect the feelings of the cuckold, to the feelings of self-hatred and self-flagellation of the 'sinner(s)'. She also discusses the awkward mechanics of the ultimate break-up of either the marriage or the affair (or both), and the degree to which children of the relationship become hostages, or excuses for deception, or excuses for the boredom that gave rise to the deception. Of course the book also talks about famous infidelities in high political circles, and the twisted hypocrisy of conservatives' opposition to same-sex marriage, as well as the equal-opportunity-for-misery desire of lesbians and gays to gain access to the sad and repressive regulation of 'official' marriage rather than 'settling for' merely the legal and resource rights that come with equivalent-to-married status. And there's also a discussion of the pragmatic phenomenon of "serial monogamy" -- the fall-back that there's nothing wrong with marriage per se, it's just that we were all married to the wrong person.”

Nikki, writing as "Jane", writes a rejection letter to "John". It's a really great letter, but two problems: rejection must be done in person and by voice; and for me at least, and possibly other guys, brevity and honesty are key. Nikki nails the honesty part, but flubs the brevity part. Ladies—I'm assuming a heterosexual interest here, though see below for questions relating to homosexual interests—if reject a guy in person, you can show them how much you really love them as friends through your tone of voice and body language rather than tell them on a piece of paper. Rejection is unpleasant, for both parties. That's important, because memory fades, making it healing—or at least forgetting—easier. Printed text makes forgetting harder.

Necessarily, since you'll be doing this in person, just for your sake you'll want to make it as short as possible, but luckily for you, honesty is often brief. If you're not honest with him about your reasons for rejection, he'll either think he can change that reason and attempt such a change, or if you're not honest with yourself whether you like him back or not, you're making an awkward situation even more so.

Only ever having been a straight guy, and only ever having been rejected—except for that once in high school—I speak with a certain amount of experience in the subject, actual dating being a subject about which you can safely call bullshit on me for. Not sure what gives, though, since not a lot of people have called bullshit on me...

The best rejection I got was from the girl I probably fell the hardest for. Here's how the day, if memory serves, went down. Not being to deal with the fact that she didn't know any longer, I emailed her in the morning, asking her if I could come over, because I had something to talk about. Later, after having lunch with a female friend, whom I trusted enough to tell that I was about to tell the girl I had the biggest crush on that I had such a crush, she asked about the logistics, i.e. where, when, and how. (She, the friend I had lunch with, was one of the more intensely cool friend girls I hung out with in university. She disappeared to ... the Yukon or something.) After getting home, and telling my housemates at the time what I was about to do, I walked over to her house, and we sat down on her couch. The words I said to her subsequent were very close to "[insert girl's name here], I think you're beautiful, and [pause], I think I like you." She did three things which are all-important:

• she said she was flattered, and it sounded like she meant it.
• she said she wasn't looking for a relationship right then, and it sounded like she meant it. I believe it, and I didn't (and still don't) have any reason to disbelieve it. She later dated someone, and I resented that, but I realized after that she was telling the truth at the time and that resentment, for any reason, is a waste of time.
• she said it took a lot of guts to tell her how I felt about her, and it sounded like she meant it.

All in the span of about 10 seconds, though it took her a few seconds to come out with the courage part, for which I don't blame her. I took her by surprise, but she's right, it takes a lot of courage because it's putting a lot on the line. We weren't the closest of friends, but were close-to-neighbours and went to the same school and a lot of the same parties and had mutual friends (that said, she was there for me in second year of university, which nobody but me and her—and whoever she told, which was her right if she chose to—knew about, and that was part of why I liked her so much), so I risked alienating her and others by doing it. Back to the physical presence, actually "being there" means you can give the guy reassuring touching, though that risks being misinterpreted, though for some guys, the girl will be fine as long as it's short of her climbing onto his lap and humping vigorously.

Under no circumstances do you tell him or your friends that you love him "just" as a friend. You are allowed—and encouraged!—to love him as a friend, but friendship love is equal to romantic love, just different. In other words, friends don't let friends call friends "just a friend".

Now to the questions: why is this framed as a girl rejecting a boy? A lot more interesting, because you don't hear about it a lot, is a guy rejecting a girl. Not that I've ever been placed in that situation, or anticipate ever being placed in that situation, but I've heard of it (one who stayed at a townhouse I shared with three other guys in first year university, another from a mutual friend) but never what the guy did to say 'no'. Also, why is it framed in terms of heterosexual relationships? Primarily because we don't hear a lot about it, wouldn't it be interesting to read about gay guys rejecting other gay guys, ditto for gay girls? Hell, a straight person (male or female) rejecting a gay person of the same gender would be interesting too. (I'd be flattered as hell if a gay guy was interested in me, but only in theory, since it's never happened, so I don't honestly know how I'd react.) Rejection in general is interesting—not as interesting to me, since with the one exception it's all I know—so why limit it to one side of the issue?

Heather: “it's about time i fell madly in love. you know, the can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop thinking, dreaming, lusting about love. the kind of love which makes everything you do seem effortless because there's nothing which can't be accomplished when you have made a safe, cozy, warm and sheltered spot in your heart for someone else. completely unrealisitic, unrequited, unabashed, unrelenting, unafraid love.”

Julie: “love is a choice. A choice that involves other choices. If I choose Love, then I am not choosing other things.”

I chose love too, but that was the easy part.

Jay McCarthy: “A desire for love turned into an extremely judgmental view of relationships and a strange perception of the nature of love. Love was a particular ideal to me and anything that did not measure up to that was certainly not love, only an illusion that I had to be careful of. This meant that I entered every relationship with the assumption that this girl could never complete that picture and there would be no love from this one.”